I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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