Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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