The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I just found puke in my bra..
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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