Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
