I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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