that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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