My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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