Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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