yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
