Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
