I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize