I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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