I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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