Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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