I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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