her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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