My boss' voice literally gives me gas
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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