I think my fart just growled at me.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
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