im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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