Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
