My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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