Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Oh god it's open bar.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
