cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
