im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
