I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
