she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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