You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
