I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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