i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Houston, we have a blender
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
