You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
