last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
