I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
