My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
