The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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