people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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