So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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