saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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