tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
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