i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
