i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
