I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
