i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
