i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
