My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
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