yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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