So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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