I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Text me some of your sweat
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
