i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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