My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize