If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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