My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
