I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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