Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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