I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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