dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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