He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
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