Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
no more duck duck goose at the bar
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Everyone says I win the strip club
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
