Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My life is pants optional.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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