Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
